


But I'm still growing up into the one you can call your love

by C_rin_nyan



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Gon-centric fic because I project myself into him, Hurt/Comfort, I was going to write good stuffs until the stuffs I wrote suddenly turned bad, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27159388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/C_rin_nyan/pseuds/C_rin_nyan
Summary: He thinks it shouldn’t be like this, he shouldn’t be 14 but 13 forever instead, with his body reduced to bones and his scent a memory. He recalls Ging’s words, his seriousness, and them - on the World Tree. He wishes he could be a bit like Ging. Just the stronger and “out there adventuring” part, not the part where he leaves aunt Mito and his great-grandmother.Gon is similar to Ging in that sense, however.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 35





	But I'm still growing up into the one you can call your love

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Khai Dreams’ Ultimately because it’s such a post-anime killugon song.
> 
> PHEW THAT WAS SOMETHING. I knew I was onto something. I also knew I would mess the fic up somehow. It has not been beta-ed because I died. Reread to fix this for 3 times but it doesn’t get better. Hope my suffering was worth it.
> 
> On another note, it was fun to write. Hell yeah killugon brain rot. This one is for you Vika :)

On Whale Island, Gon learns that perhaps he wasn’t so rational during his time in the royal palace. He learns that perhaps he wasn’t so much a great friend for driving Killua away. He tried, he did. He thinks back to Greed Island, to Yorkshin, to Heaven’s Arena, to Kukuroo mountain, to the hunter exam, to Kurapika and Leorio and Killua, whom he drove away. He thinks about Kurapika whose well-being is unknown, Leorio who is back to studying for his degree, Killua who is currently traveling around the world with Alluka, and him, stuck on Whale Island without nen.

Time goes on after their separation. Gon goes back to his previous home, to aunt Mito, to his great-grandmother, to homework, to his missing schoolwork. Gon supposes it only helps to fuel his demise, the homework. Aunt Mito told him it shouldn’t be as hard as the challenges he has overcome, but Gon was and never will be one that likes using his head, and even so, his friends have always helped him with it. The role of being rational and logical was never his after all. It was Killua’s. Maybe it’s because he’s so incapable of being logical that he messed up back in East Gorteau.

He goes fishing, using the old fishing rod he abandoned at home, and briefly, he thinks, you understand me right? The feeling of being left behind, but Gon quickly shakes such words out of his head. He tells himself he has never been left behind, that he and his friends are just walking in different ways now, but the little flicker of grieve buried deep in his heart doesn’t listen, and slowly it eats at him, whispering his mistakes and whining softly when his mind wanders.

Gon doesn’t like it when his mind wanders. It’s always the dangerous territory, his anxiety winning over him, and his resolves wane; it was never great for him to stray too far from home, from aunt Mito’s scolding, just for his heart to spill from the solidary and making him return with his eyelids hooded and swelling, voice muffled under aunt Mito’s crushing hug.

He still comes back to the spot where they (just Gon and Killua and no one else) watched the stars, the dark night sky illuminated by dozens of bright stars twinkling, and them, under the sea of lights, near the firewood that was spreading its warmth. He still goes there, but it’s different somehow. After all, it’s not them, not him and Killua anymore because it’s just Gon now. It’s Gon, nen-less, back in Whale Island, sitting there. He stopped watching the stars the fourth time he went there. He never pays attention, after all, he doesn’t care if they carry meaning, what he thinks is that he can’t reach the star, he isn’t tall enough or strong enough to project himself up there, just to reach the stars, as he did with his friends so long ago, but the twinkling dots remain far and distant.

  


* * *

  


He goes back to studying not long after arriving home - it doesn’t feel like one, not when Gon himself feels like his heart has a gaping wound, a hole opening up, threatening to spill even more of himself. Gon already has forgotten what being ‘Gon’ feels like, he thinks he might break himself again if it happens, but this time no one is behind him to clean up the mess he would make, no one but himself, staring and wondering what to do because what used to be here, right here (he points to his heart) is gone and I don’t know what to do or say. But he studies. He tries to push away his yearning heart and study, he writes his essay and tries his hardest to do his math homework, Gon thinks it’s the least he can do, just struggles as repayment for what he did.

Aunt Mito cries when he tells her so.

He didn’t plan to say it, he thought it was okay to not tip-toeing around himself because it turns so quiet and obedient all of a sudden, then came back flooding out one night he was washing the dishes and aunt Mito was wiping the table.

Gon really doesn’t want to talk to it to anyone, especially aunt Mito, because just as he treats her as his mother (as much as he could, as much as he thinks a child should be with their mother, he isn’t so sure if it’s right, but aunt Mito has been his mother since forever), she treats him like her own baby; Gon’s instinct knows not to confide in aunt Mito for such matters. His body seems to not think so.

“Gon.” he hears her cracked up voice and realized he said something upsetting to her.

He doesn’t know what he said at first, mind and heart both racing miles per second, trying to recall what he let slip.

Aunt Mito’s eye corners have fresh tears around the edge and it takes Gon everything not to bring his soap covered hands up to wipe it. He doesn’t mean to make her cry, Gon tries to be strong and obedient and enough, albeit unnaturally because Gon doesn’t register himself as one; but he loves her with his battered heart, and regrets everything the night brings him. He regrets his involuntary honesty, the calming dark brings him, regrets the sense of safety being next to aunt Mito and regrets the silent air.

“Gon. Tell me. What happened, who, how, why, why would you say such things; Gon, my baby, who told you it’s okay to say that you should’ve died?” she croaks. “Gon.” she silently pleads.

Gon thinks it’s a miracle he’s not crying. But his throat tightens and he can’t talk. Aunt Mito really shouldn’t hear it. He talks either way - because aunt Mito wants to hear and Gon realizes he is so, so lonely.

He talks about the Chimera ant, talks about Kite, about Knuckles and Shoot and Morel and Knov and Palm and chairman Netero and his other allies; it’s like the dam inside of him just broke and he’s all too aware of his regrets and pain, Gon watches himself pill to aunt Mito all he wants to say so bad because he’s so lonely. Gon doesn’t refrain from talking about nen unlike the other times, he says what he can say and revels in the comfort of her arms, the warmth she radiates, and the soft aching smile on her lips.

“And Killua, aunt Mito, I messed up so bad. I miss him. I drove him away. I couldn’t fulfill our promise of being together, and Killua has Alluka now, and they’re very happy, they are traveling all around the world. I wish I was with them. I miss Killua.” he cries, and her hold tightens like his own gaping heart, Gon hurts and he regrets and he just feels so, so helpless.

Both of them know that no one can change the past, Gon knows that despite being the best mom, aunt Mito can’t kiss away the pain or use magic to fix his mistakes, Gon should be the one who cleans up his mess, not her, not Killua. And her painful gaze proves that.

She listens regardless, and Gon comes the closest to peace he has been in a while.

  


* * *

  


He keeps in touch with everyone he can. He sends each of them emails to distract himself. He wishes none of them would realize that.

Most of them answer, Leorio’s are filled with positivity and worry, Zushi’s radiate with determination, Knuckle’s are cheerful, Palm’s are short and complicated, and many, many more. Even Kurapika replied once, and he said he’s making progress.

Gon treasures them dearly and reread them when he goes fishing.

He doesn’t think about the reason why Killua doesn’t answer, but he can’t help the disappointment evident on his face.

  


* * *

  


Gon hasn’t seen Kon ever since he came back.

He supposes Kon is now a father and has to look after his cubs.

Gon doesn’t think Kon would be happy seeing him.

But he goes, because aunt Mito told him to, he goes because she told him that his friend might be missing him. Gon misses him too, he misses shuffling next to his soft fur for warmth, misses when Kon and he run together in the woods, misses the first friend he made, misses even the memory of Kite that comes with when he thought back about baby Kon.

Kon brings nostalgia with his every step, and Gon lets a part of his mind, a part that sounds just like aunt Mito, to coax himself into approaching the foxbear sitting near his cubs in the woods. Kon looks at him with confusion at first, nose sniffing his scent, trying to recall the blurry past of Gon’s scent, who is now different, even more different than when he was here with Killua, when Kon left him and Killua some fresh fishes. Gon is still nen-less like the last time, but he just came back from the dead less than a year ago, so he understands if Gon doesn’t smell like ‘Gon’ anymore and instead smells and feels like a different person (maybe even like the living dead). He is pleasantly surprised that Kon recognizes him. There’s hesitation in Kon’s step though (even the cubs can see it) because he doesn’t recognize ‘Gon’. Kon seems like it’s thinking, Gon knows what it wants to convey, silently asking for an answer, and Gon opens his heart for him out of nostalgia.

Gon talks more than he did with aunt Mito. Maybe because there is comfort in Kon whose every movement and sign he remembers, maybe it’s because Kon feels like the distant friend he is supposed to apologize to.

He tells Kon about Killua, about how he did successfully drive him away, just in the wrong moment. He tells Kon about Killua, strong and bright even during Gon’s demise, about the best friend whom he treasures with his whole being, whom he longs to be with and whom he regrets hurting. Kon knows, he somehow knows and understands Gon. Gon’s heart doesn’t hurt much when he chokes a sob. It has become dull yet constant in its need, unwavering just like he once was; perhaps that is the part Kon recognizes in him.

He knows Kon’s mate would be upset if he keeps sticking here with him. Gon knows female foxbears hate human scents, knows that Kon would lose respect from other animals from his scent; but his body doesn’t stop shaking when he let the ‘black liquefied grieve’ that has swallowed his happiness spill from his lips. Kon listens, and it moves closer, struggling to comfort him without contact (it was the only thing Gon can teach Kon, love and contact, because he doesn’t really use his brain to form those words). Kon stays with him, and watches his steps as he makes his way back home.

There’s comfort in someone looking at his back. There’s comfort in Kon, in his friend, in someone he knows he can’t let down, even if he’s at his worst. Kon doesn’t need that (strength and courage and nen) in him, despite living in the wild. He needs himself to be strong. But Kon doesn’t, it only needs him to be happy.

Gon thinks aunt Mito, Kon, and the people he loves might have the same thought.  
Gon thinks differently, but he’s trying. He’s trying.

  


* * *

  


It’s a year since their separation that Gon receives a message from Killua.

“Gon,  
Alluka and I went back to Yorkshin. We met Zushi and Wing, Zushi is on the 90th floor now, he’s doing great, we had a spar. We also saw Bisky, she told us she had some business with this guy about his jewels. She told us to contact you. We’ve been under the radar for a while, so my bad. And don’t worry if you don’t receive replies, I read your emails.  
Killua.

Forgive us for not keeping in contact, we’ve been doing great! Brother and I bought some souvenirs for you, the packet should come in less than two days, right in time! Brother misses you, but he’s too shy to say that! See you!  
Alluka.”

Oh. It’s almost my birthday. Gon thinks. His first birthday after their separation. I’m 14.

He thinks it shouldn’t be like this, he shouldn’t be 14 but 13 forever instead, with his body reduced to bones and his scent a memory. He recalls Ging’s words, his seriousness, and them - on the World Tree. He wishes he could be a bit like Ging. Just the stronger and “out there adventuring” part, not the part where he leaves aunt Mito and his great-grandmother.

Gon is similar to Ging in that sense, however.

  


* * *

  


A lot of his friends show up on his birthday. They wish him a happy birthday, they give him numerous presents, it is the liveliest the island has been since Gon came back. The whole of Whale Island seems to be moving with joy, its visitors and inhabitants greeting him at every nook.

Aunt Mito bakes him a cake, sprinkled with all the chocolates she could find.

They sing and dance through the night.

Gon lets himself be lost in it, so he would forget who is missing and the weight of the packet in his mailbox.

  


* * *

  


Just like his meeting with Ging, their reunion was quite anti-climatic.

Alluka took the initiative and dragged Killua to Whale Island. It’s why Gon is staring at the two familiar silhouettes at the dock.

Gon laughs and Killua follows, and they seem to fall back to their rhythm, except they don’t. Killua doesn’t linger his gaze long, always looking somewhere else. Gon doesn’t say anything but pointless chitchat. He thinks it’ll be at least 2 more years until he’s ready. And Gon thinks, he hopes, that maybe that day will be when he’ll be able to call himself Killua’s friend again. But he’s not ready now. Killua doesn’t look like he wants to see him, and the only thing keeping them together is Alluka, pointing and asking as they trek to his home.

Aunt Mito and his great-grandmother welcome them with affection, and Alluka showers them back with excitement. Gon finds himself watching them instead, something in his throat preventing him from talking to Killua.

Killua leaves as fast as he came, and Gon notes that he doesn’t want to talk to Gon.

It’s okay. He tells himself. He’ll come to Killua when he’s ready. And it’s the same for Killua.

  


* * *

  


He spends his days with aunt Mito. He helps her with laundry and watches her cook. She looks like she wants to tell him something, but Gon supposes she always did. He doesn’t know what aunt Mito wants to say, but he will listen regardless because he knows it’s important when she fidgets that much just to utter a word.

She asks him about his essay, and he tells her he’s at the 7k mark after many struggles. She doesn’t mention what she wants to say, but both know Gon knows.

Gon goes diving instead, giving her time just like she did with him.

It doesn’t help that he knows her pained expression behind his back.

  


* * *

  


“Kon, I can’t help thinking back about Killua’s visit.”

Kon sits a distance from him, eyes unmoving from his laying body on the log. Gon made sure that his scent won’t be able to cling to Kon if they sit this far. Kon makes a noise akin to humming, eyes looking in expectations.

“Do you think it’s weird if I think about Killua a lot more than others?”  
“Is it okay if I think of him as home?”  
“Killua is so cool and strong, I’m happy he is my best friend.”  
“Kon, I miss Killua.”

And Kon sighs, or it tries to. Gon sits up.

“I’m not so sure if I can say anything to him. How can I say I’m sorry? I didn’t think rationally back then, and I hurt Killua. If I was such a mess before losing nen, what am I supposed to do now my nen is gone?”

He’s just Gon now. He’s a 14 years old child without nen. He’s ordinary from his peers, and he isn’t so interesting anymore, how can he be deserving of Killua’s best friend title now? For all he knows, Killua already has Alluka to travel with instead of him, and so Gon is just a bitter memory tucked back in his mind.

Gon wants to be better. He wants to be with Killua again. He wants to not be like this anymore. He wants to be strong. Gon has so many wants but so little he can do.

  


* * *

  


Aunt Mito tells him she loves him when he is washing the dishes. I know. But it’s hard to be deserving of it. “I love you too, aunt Mito,” he said instead.

“Gon,” she says, voice more serious this time, and Gon is reminded of his childhood memory, of words uttered in anger when he misbehaves, of her younger face, of long hair neatly kept; briefly, he wonders if she’s angry at his weak self.

“Gon, I want you to always remember that.” Aunt Mito whispers. “I know you’ll tell me when the time comes, just like you did, but I can’t help but get worried.”  
“Gon, will you talk to me about Killua?”

It isn’t clear to him what happened next. One moment he was laughing it off, rinsing the soap-covered dishes and placing them on the side, then suddenly he’s out of the kitchen, out by the door, legs carrying him somewhere he himself doesn’t have a clue of; but he lets them carry him to wherever they want. Gon glances back once or twice, eyes trained on the house that is becoming smaller and smaller, until it’s a dot swallowed by a sea of trees.

For a moment, he thinks it does look like him. Just a little.

  


* * *

  


Leorio visits him again weeks after his birthday. He isn’t sure what to say to Leorio, but unlike with Killua, they fall back to their own rhythm easily (really), and Gon can feel his stiffness being washed away like gentle waves.

They talk all morning, when they are at the dock, the marketplace, even back home. Leorio follows him everywhere he leads, and comments on everything he sees. Gon likes it. He likes the feeling of leading someone again, like the past, even if the person is not Leorio, he likes it. It makes him reminisce of the sweet memories, and put him at ease.

Gon doesn’t have to say much, he supposes Leorio already knows something from his glances with aunt Mito, or even from the emails they exchanged. Leorio understands a part of his struggle. Gon feels like he must have done something amazing in his last life to have Leorio, his friends, aunt Mito and his great-grandmother, and mostly Killua, who he longs to be with and treasure with all he is and all he has.

“Leorio, how do you know if you love someone?”

Leorio, in his strange fatherly way of his, looks at him softly. It was almost like he has expected Gon to ask him so. “Let’s see, it’s hard to just use my definition. You have to think of one yourself.” He grins.

“Is it when you treasure someone?” Is it like what I have with Killua?

“Mhm, who knows? Only you know when you have fallen in love, Gon. I can’t help you with that.”

Gon knows he knows, but he’s content with just that.

  


* * *

  


Aunt Mito talks to Leorio for a long time after dinner. Gon isn’t supposed to hear, so he climbs up to look at the stars. It’s pretty tonight. He thinks. He sees the two stars so close yet separated by a line of violet in the sky, as if it’s a scar never to be seen but to people in these intimate yet lonely hours.

It reminds him of an old myth. Of the two stars Altair and Vega that his great-grandmother used to call romantic before. Both have their hearts only for the other, but can only meet once a year due to negligence of their duties. Great-grandmother thinks it’s a bit cruel to punish them so harshly, to force them to yearn for the other, just to meet one day out of 356 days. All because of their faults.

Gon thinks it’s almost deserving. He hates that he thinks so. Of course it’s tragic. Gon just thinks that if it was him, Altair or Vega or both, he wouldn’t think it’s so cruel that he gets punished for letting everyone see such weakness.

He understands that aunt Mito doesn’t want him to think so, however.

  


* * *

  


Leorio climbs up to sit with him not long after. Gon isn’t sure how long, his sense of time has been dulled ever since he is back, and he isn’t sure if it’s upsetting or not.

“Gon.” Leorio says. There’s something about Leorio’s voice and his scent makes Gon feel at peace, like he’s under aunt Mito’s warm embrace after an exhausting day, but it’s a bit different, because although aunt Mito loves with her words and subtle contact, Leorio loves with a passion, and such passion doesn’t burn, instead it feels like engulfing oneself in the gentle breeze, knowing it pushes you, caressing your cheeks with unknown vigor.

Leorio makes Gon feel like he has a parent who is always following him to correct his mistakes until the end of Earth; unlike aunt Mito who is like the parent that would always be the home for him to fall back to.

“You still remember what you asked this afternoon? About love?”

What can he say, yes, I do, and I’ve been thinking that maybe, just maybe-- “Mhm.”

“Will you talk to him?”

“I don’t know, Leorio. Something is missing. I don’t feel like I can talk to him. I don’t feel like I’m strong enough.”

“Gon, is that why you’re like this?”

“Huh?” He says instead, words unable to spill from his confusion, eyes locking with Leorio’s.

“Gon. You know why you were in such a mess back then right?”

Then. With him, with Pitou, with Killua.

“It’s because I was weak. I should have listened, I said mean things, I messed up a lot--” He doesn’t know what Leorio wants to say, but if Leorio wants to hear, he’ll say it, it’s normal. He just isn’t sure that he’s confident of what he is saying. Not when aunt Mito has been in so much pain after their talk.

“Gon. You know we love you right?”

“I know.”

“You don’t seem like you do. Gon, we want you to be happy. Just be happy. I don’t need you to be the best hunter, to be strong, to have nen, to do anything that a kid like you shouldn’t be doing, Gon, I just want you to be you. Don’t be like that bastard Ging.”

Gon knows he has to say something, anything to erase Leorio’s sad gaze as he talks, but Gon freezes on the spot, not knowing what he should do. Should he agree? Or should he stick with his own opinions, the ones that have been so shaken before and is crumbling slowly under the affections of the people he treasures.

“I just want to be worthy of a lot of things, like everyone.” He whispers instead, afraid of what his words will do to Leorio. What if, what if--

Leorio pulls him close. Gon’s hands automatically slither their way around Leorio’s body, fingers grasping for his clothes, for something to hold.

In the end, they don’t really need words.

  


* * *

  


“Killua,  
We should talk.  
Gon.”

Gon isn’t sure if he’s ready, but Leorio and aunt Mito and Kon and countless hours of him sitting alone thinking seem to disagree, so he emails Killua, once, a line, a hope of a proper talk and reunion.

Killua replies this time, his email barely contains any words, but it’s enough, and Gon nurtures his growing hope.

  


* * *

  


They meet at the dock. Killua is alone this time, his whole presence like light swarming through figures of fishermen, and although Gon can’t use gyo anymore, he still senses the trained nen radiating from Killua. It’s weird. Maybe he didn’t actually change much, it’s just Gon who’s without nen and paying too much attention to himself that he doesn’t realize it the last time Killua was here.

“Killua.” He mutters up all courage he can to talk first.

“Gon.” Killua replies back. It’s weird. His gaze is different this time, his eyes looks like warmth and affection and maybe even acceptance for Gon, and Gon finds himself wavering under the intensity, asking himself if he has made the right decision and if he will mess his last chance up.

“I miss you. I’m so sorry, Killua, I’m so sorry.” He can’t control the tears forming at the corner of his eyes, threatening to open up the dam he tries to build up, and he lets Killua lead him to the forest, through people and trees and animals.

His hands are sweaty, but it doesn’t matter because they fit.

“I’m so sorry for messing up. I wreck our friendship, I said mean things, Killua, I’m so sorry.”

Killua remains silent.

“I know I’ve always force you to clean up my mess, but I’m trying, and I’m trying really hard to fix the damage I’ve dealt to our friendship, I just don’t know what to do,”

Killua still doesn’t say anything.

“I just, I want to keep trying to be deserving of our friendship. I want to fix me, I want to fix us. I treasure you so much, Killua, and I’m sorry.”

“Gon,” he says, his hand gripping like a lifeline. “I’m sorry too. It’s also my fault.”

“But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Gon, you were at fault and I was also a part of it but I’m willing to handle all of it to be with you, Gon, you didn’t understand--”

“I know you care for me, Killua, I can’t let you near Pitou--”

“I was willing to die with you, Gon, why can’t you--”

“I can never let you die, Killua, I cannot and I never will.” he returns the grip with much intensity. “I love you too much to let you get in my mess. But I know that I created another one trying to fix it. So I’m sorry.” He whispers. “Please don’t go. I want to be with you.”

“I want to be with you too. Gon, I don’t want us to separate. But you didn’t, and,” Killua pauses to wipe his tears and snot. Gon can’t help that the corner of his lips curls up just that easily. “Gon. I just want you to be less reckless and listen to me more. I- I had a lot to say to your face last time. I think I forgot them.”

“I wanted to say a lot too! I even rehearsed with Leorio...”

“You--” Killua snorts, tears that streaked down his face now dried. “You’re still an idiot like always.”

“Hey!!” Gon lets out a near-shriek, tackling Killua and pinning him down. “That’s so not nice to say.” He whispers, suddenly shy from the intimacy.

“I know.” Killua whispers back, taking in the view of Gon so close, with sunlight kissing his face and highlighting his pink cheeks. He supposes he looks the same, based on how Gon is looking at him, absorbed and focused.

I want to say so much, Gon thinks, he doesn’t say it, but instead leans down for their foreheads to touch. Please never go anywhere else. Please never forget me.

“I love you, Killua,” he breathes in Killua’s scent; the scent calming mixed with the sea from his time on the island. Their fingers intertwine and Gon makes a soft happy noise.

“I love you too, Gon.” Killua’s small voice barely reaches his ears as Gon leans in even closer.

It’s not a bandage on a scar, nor a healing balm on a bleeding wound. It’s a cicatrice, one both of them knows by heart, one probably will never heal, once a tear separating a whole world, and them, like stars on both sides, looking over.

And yet, Gon allows himself to hope. That one day, he’ll grow. That one day, he’ll be deserving of all of Killua’s affections. For now, in this moment, Gon lets himself be lost in the ethereal moment, timelessly beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> First fanfic I've wrote in years...hope it's good ;;;;
> 
> Please leave a comment??? I would love to improve my flawed sappy-coated hollow fic :)


End file.
